Phoebe: Hey Joey, what�s the matter?

Joey: Some fat director just turned me down for the part in the latest Bond film. I just can�t stand fat people.

A customer asks Rachel for a doughnut. Joey cocks the weapon.

Joey: You don�t want to get fat do you?

FIENDS MUSIC

So no one told you life was going to be this way.
(shooting)
You cock your gun, you shoot, you blow that dog away.
It�s like your always stuck in second gear,
And then you havn�t got the speed to maim that kid over here.
(background video includes "Fiends" dancing in blood bank)

I�ll be there for you,
When you try to hide in vain.
I�ll be there for you,
C�os you know you�ll die in pain
I�ll be there for you
C�os your there for me too.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Chandler comes home late from the office.

Chandler: Hi honey I�m home. Who�s for supper?

Joey slumped in chair depressed.

Chandler: Do I take that to mean I don�t get a welcome home hug?

Joey: Where am I going Chandler? That�s the fourth audition this week I�ve been turned down for. It�s not because I�m a bad actor is it?

Chandler: Hey buddy your the best out of work actor I know. And I�m sure when the right part comes along, you�ll be snapped up.

Joey: I�m not so sure. You know I�ve never played a major part in anything. I just seem to drift between extras.

Chandler: But isn�t that what you out of work actors do for a living? C�mon, something will come up.

Joey: I�m not sure any more. Perhaps it would be best if I just gave up acting?

Chandler: You can�t do that. Where else are they going to find Al Pachino butt doubles?

Joey: No man. This just isn�t working. I�ve made up my mind. I�m going to give up acting.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Ross walks into Monica�s appartment. Monica, Phoebe and Rachel present.

Ross: (sounding glum) Hi.

Monica: Hi. What�s wrong?

Ross: Well according to my latest calculations, just about everything.

Rachel: What�s happened?

Ross: Well today it was my turn to do a tour of the Paleantology department to like schoolkids and stuff.

ALL: Yeah.

Ross: Well there was this group of kindergarten kids being taken around by their teacher Miss Webster.

Rachel: Cute?

Ross: Totally.

Monica: So what�s the problem?

Ross: Well when I finally got her on her own I completely went to peices.

Rachel: Oh no.

Ross: Yeah, coughed up blood all over her blouse.

Phoebe: Oh cool, did you show her that trick you can do with the swirly pattern?

The others give her accusing looks. Phoebe checks over her shoulder.

Phoebe: What, after you spent all that time perfecting it?

Monica: So I guess you won�t be seeing Miss Webster again?

Ross: What are you kidding? I spewed up half a litre of blood over her best clothes.

Phoebe: Well maybe she would have liked it better with swirly bits?

The others ignore her.

Rachel: There�ll be someone else Ross you�ll see.

Ross: Well I don�t know whether I want to see anyone else.

Monica: Well if that�s the case then go and see her.

Ross: I don�t know.

ALL: Go on.

Ross: You think she�ll mind.

Phoebe: Oh definitely. (pause) I mean you should go and see her.

Rachel: Can it be any worse?

Ross: OK I�ll go and see her tomorrow.

Enter Chandler

Chandler: Tell him no. Just tell him (Enter Joey) no one else could have come up with such a good idea as this.

Chandler looks expectantly at the others from behind Joey.

Rachel: Hey Joey what�s up?

Joey: I�ve decided to give up professional acting.

ALL: Oh no

Joey: It�s just I�ve been in the business for five years now and I�ve never had any big parts.

ALL: Oh c�mon etc.

Joey: No I�ve made up my mind I�m just not cut out for acting.

Rachel: So what are you going to do now.

Joey: Well here�s the neat part. I�ve decided to set up a home business.

ALL: Hey that�s a great idea.

Chandler jumping up and down behind Joey in despair miming "no no!" Joey turns around and sees Chandler. Who grabs hold of Joey and pretends to be jumping for joy. Chandler looks over Joey�s shoulder at the others still trying to warn them.

Rachel: What are you going to sell?

Joey: Well at first I thought I could make stuff and sell it over the phone or something. But then I thought why go to the trouble of delivering stuff to customers, when the customers could come to you, heh?

ALL: Hmm.

Ross: So your offering a service?

Joey: Yeah I guess you�d call it that.

Monica: What are you going to serve?

Joey: Well I thought I could use my skill as an actor to pose as a doctor and offer a home abortion clinic.

Phoebe: Well that�s never going to work c�os you were never a very good actor anyway.

Chandler: I tried to warn you.

Phoebe: Hey can I be your first patient?

Joey: If you want, Miss Buffet.

Phoebe: Thank you, Dr Tribbiani.

Monica: Hey Joey, don�t you have to do that sort of thing in a hospital?

Joey: Well that�s what I thought at first. But I have the advantage because I�m offering abortion in the pleasant surroundings of my own home. (Nodding as if he�s come up with a brilliant idea)

Ross: But why abortion?

Joey: Are you kidding it�s a goldmine young women paying me to come to my appartment and take of their clothes. And it�s cheap to set up. I only need to splash out on a few new kitchen utensils.

Everyone starts, subtly, in surprise

ALL: Well I think it�s a great idea etc.

Chandler jumping up and down in panic

Joey: So Monica can I borrow some chop-sticks?

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Joey enters into Monica�s appartment. Monica present.

Joey: Hi Mon. Got any lunch I�m starved.

Monica: No, the pizza delivery guy is late.

Monica picks up a meat cleaver off the table, which is laden with an assortment of sharp utensils.

Monica: I hate it when people are late.

Enter Rachel.

Rachel: Mon. Have you seen the vacuum.

Monica: Should be over there in the closet.

Rachel opens the closet and three dead pizza delivery boys fall out.

Rachel: No can�t see it here.

Rachel stuffs the corpses back in the closet and closes the door. A finger gets trapped in the hinge and falls off. Rachel picks it up and places it in the ashtray.

Joey: Ah. Sorry, kind of borrowed it.

Monica: Did it ever occur to you that we might want it back?

Joey: I can�t give it back to you yet.

Monica: Why not?

Joey: Well I�ve got two clients booked in for this afternoon.

Rachel and Monica look bemused and then gasp in disgust.

Rachel: You, um, you�re using our vacuum for your abortion clinic?

Joey: Yeah, neat idea eh? Don�t worry, I�ll give it back to you tonight. Hey, I�ll even empty the bag this time.

Monica: We don�t want it back. You can give us yours instead.

Joey: Kind of problem there.

Monica: Problem?

Joey: Yeah, something to do with the filter or moisture in the circuits or something. Bit expensive too because it was a turbo suck deluxe.

The other look at him in disbelief.

Joey: What, you didn�t mind with all the other stuff.

Rachel: What other stuff.

Joey: You know, the knitting needles, spatulas, salad tongs, mixing bowl, potato masher, oh and er the toilet duck, very useful too. That stuff.

Monica: Right this has gone too far now. I want a list of all the things you�ve taken from us and you�re not to take anything else. OK.

Joey: OK. OK. But what about all the stuff I�ve already returned.

Rachel: Like What?

Joey: Like your toothbrush I returned last night, Rach. Think I got all the lumps out.

Rachel: But I used that this morning. Excuse me!

Exit Rachel to Toilet

MUSICAL INTERLUE

Ross enters Monica�s appartment looking pleased. Just before he closes the door, there is a scream and a gurgling noise from over the corridor. Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Phoebe present.

Ross: Hey, guess what!

ALL: What? Etc

Ross: I went to see Miss Webster after school today.

ALL: Oh great. Etc

Ross: Yeah. We�re going out to dinner later on tonight. Can you believe that?

ALL: There you go, what did I say etc.

Screaming in background

Phoebe: Oh cool, don�t you think that this is just like that film.

Rachel: What film?

Phoebe: You know. The film.

Ross: W�hey?

Phoebe: The film � um �you know�oh Bambi!

Pause

Chandler: No. You�re thinking of the sequel to that film. Deer Hard with a Vengence.

He nodds knowingly.

Ross: Well, I�ve got to go and change for dinner tonight.

Phoebe: Change into what?

Ross: Different clothes of course.

Chandler: Oh really. C�os I trurn into one of those face huggers from Alien when I take a gorgeous girl out to dinner.

Phoebe: Why? I mean that�s hardly a big turn on.

Pause.

Phoebe: So are you going to wear that nice red tux with the swirls on it?

Ross: Phebes, that was white last week.

Rachel: So, where are you going tonight?

Ross: Oh just some place local. Turns out she likes Greek.

Phoebe: Oh those poor snails. How could you?

Ross: No Phebes, Greek cuisine.

Phoebe: So. Just c�os they�re Greek doesn�t mean they won�t feel anything.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Chandler walks onto landing outside appartments moves towards his appartment door. As he goes to clutch the handle a series of strange noises eminate from inside. (e.g. uneven groans, murmours, "there you go got you," gurglings, "Oh no, not this time" you don�t!" the sound of metal tongs being opened and shut, the sound of a vacuum cleaner, "Here�s my number. Call me and we�ll go out for a coffee some time," "No it�s escaped, quick someone get me the mallot" - (bang, squelch) and finally "There you go, door on the left for the waiting room, door on the right is the theatre.")
Chandler listens to these noises, responsing appropriately and finally jumping away from the door with a revolted look. Chandler eyes the door handle, looks at his hand and wipes it on his trousers before moving off into Monica�s appartment.
Chandler enters the appartment and moves towards the fridge. He takes out some milk and pours it into a glass. As he brings it to his lips there is a scream in the background. Chandler slams the glass down, spits out the milk and leaves the appartment looking ill

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Copyright � 1997 Dave Craven